Today in Business Writing, my professor told me that my little toes are deformed from wearing shoes as a child.  SAYS THE LADY WITH AN ALTAR IN HER HOUSE DEVOTED TO HER ANCESTORS.  She says it's very common among American children, but I'm pretty sure she was covering for calling me a freak.

Also, I'm Lifeguard of the Month, which means they ran out of people to give the award to.

I've done an awful job of updating for the last few months.  Consequently, no one expects much of anything from this blog anymore.  Since expectations are low, I doubt that anyone could be disappointed by any future entries, so I think I'll start posting again.

But let me resolve this: all future posts will be solely for the purpose of documentation.  I started concentrating too heavily on making posts funny and when good material became sparse (e.g. Breadstick Prankery and the Chocolate Milk Mile), adamlite (the journal) was sunk.  Less topical humor, more documentation.

I know I harp on documentation a fair deal, but I do so for good reason.  Daily occurences in our lives are pretty funny if you can recognize the humor in them.  I feel confident in assuming that most people agree with me on the point that things are better when they are natural than when they are forced.  Humor isn't juice in an orange; that is, you can't simply squeeze it out.  Hence, I document and let the things I've chronicled be, and those things tend to be worth reading.

Terry Schiavo's death was unfortunate, but it's overshadowed the death of Mitch Hedberg, who died on Wednesday.  The hours that I've spent laughing at Mitch Hedberg's standup are innumerable and precious to me.  Only he could make a statement as seemingly trivial as "that tree is far away!" funny as hell.  Raul may be the only person here who fully appreciates and shares my extreme feeling of loss right now.  I haven't been this sad over the death of a celebrity since Ray Charles.  Hedberg may have been a druggie, but he made me laugh.

You might have been expecting more since I haven't posted in a while (mayhaps not), and though that probably won't change, this is important enough to me to document here.

Edit:  one of my favorite jokes (this spiraled out of control):

This is what my friend said to me - he said "man I think this weather is trippy" and I said "no man, it's not the weather that's trippy.  Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy."  Then I thought "man, i should have just said 'yeah'".

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to do drugs.  I still do, but I used to, too.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light, and I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can be yelled at for having:
"Goddamnit Otto, you're an alcoholic!"
"Goddamnit Otto, you have Lupus!"
One of the two doesn't sound right.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore.  I get the roundabout AIDS test.  I call my friend Brian and say "Say Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? . . . No? . . . Cool.  'Cause you know me".

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive.  When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before they check me off and charge me.  I go to the store. . . "Do you have Coke. . . in a glass harmonica?"

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana.  I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so. . . yeah".

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know.  It's very dangerous to wave at people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand?  They'll think you're cocky.  Look what I got, motherfucker.  This thing is useful!  I'm gonna go pick something up.

A guy told me he liked cherries, but I waited to see if he was going to say "tomato" before I realized he likes cherries just.  All right, that joke is ridiculous.

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

The thing that's depressing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall.

I did a radio interview and the first question the dj asked me was "who are you?"  I had to think. . . is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I mumble a lot on stage.  I'm a mumbler.  If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say "what?" so I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says "what?", but really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling "that tree is far away!"

I think I covered most of the bases.  Listen to clips from the album if you're not familiar because you owe it to yourself.

Currently Playing Strategic Grill Locations By Mitch Hedberg see related